Paradoxody

[Parody of Lord of the Rings book elements]


(Greg, Mark, Jill and Ben sit in a room drinking coffee around a table)


Greg: ‘Well, I lost my brother today; some damn Elf shot him right out of the sky, can you believe that?’

Mark: ‘Sometimes I think that’s better than flying around all day with those idiots on your back, carping away about The Dark Lord demands this and The Master wants that. It can drive you insane, I’m telling ya’

Jill: ‘Same thing happens to me. One minute I’m gnawing on some meat, the next minute I’m being whipped and told to find these people I’ve never even seen before. How am I supposed to know where they are? Oh, and how about those steel spikes they wear? It’s like “Hell-O, that whole heavy metal look went out in the 13th century.”

Mark: ’ Yea, I cant stand that, driving into your skin all day. I still have a nasty cut from last week when my master slipped getting off my back.’ {shows cut to others)

Jill: ’Oooo, that must’ve hurt. You should put something on that.’

Greg: ’ That’s nothing compared to getting shot and killed… and by an Elf no less!’

Jill: ’Seriously though. What’s so important about finding these people? Do they owe the Master money or something?’

Ben: ‘I heard it’s all about some necklace or something like that. Johnny said he heard some little guy found the Master’s necklace and won’t give it back.’

Mark: ’Seems like an awful lot of trouble for a trinket!’

Jill: ’No, no, I heard something like that too. But it was a Ring, not a necklace.’

Ben: ‘That’s what it was! Yea some Ring. I never took ‘The Dark Lord’ to be heavy into jewelry, but I guess we’ve never seen him so who knows.’

Greg: ’ Who cares about some necklace? My brother is gone!’

Jill: ’Not a necklace. It was a Ring.’

Greg: ’Necklace, Ring, who cares! It…’

Mark: (interrupting) ‘Speaking of the Dark Lord, look who’s back. What’s goin on Tom?’

{enter Tom}

Tom: ‘Hey guys. Not much.’

Greg: ’ Did you hear about my brother? Some Elf…’

Jill: (interrupting) ‘Well look who it is... Master’s pet. How was your stay in the hospital?’

Tom: ’ Just routine really, nothing special. And I’m all fixed up now.’

Jill: ’Hah! Nothing special he says. Scuttlebutt has it that the Master actually came down to visit you. He always liked you the best.’

Tom: ‘I’ve always gotten along well with him, yea, but it’s no big deal.’

Jill: ’No big deal? I remember when he first found you; holed up in that mountain, living off of whatever rodents you could spy out of your one good eye. Then the Master finds you and nurses you back to health and feeds you fell meats all the time. Fell meats! All I ever got was some lousy horses to eat when I was adopted. But this one, don’t even get me started.’

Greg: ‘Fell meats are the best. My brother once told me about some fell meats he found. But that was before he was shot and killed.’

Tom: ‘Hey man, don’t blame me if I get a bit extra treatment. It’s still not that great. I have the worst Rider of all of you, by far. Always cackling and always, ALWAYS, going on and on about how great the Master is and how sweet his victory will be. I’m telling you, it gnaws at the mind. And I for one don’t see anything so great about this ‘wiping out the world plan.’ I mean honestly, if everyone is gonna die anyway, what’s the big rush? Plus, there is some really amazing scenery out there the Master wants to destroy. Have you seen that city? It’s spectacular!’

Ben: ’Haven’t seen it yet, but I prefer the countryside. Trees as far as the eye can see or rolling plains with tasty horses. Mmmm Mmmm!’

Mark: ’I agree. I’m all about nature. All except that one forest by the river! I get a nervous feeling whenever I fly near there, and my master seems afraid of it.’

Ben&Jill: ‘Same here.’

Tom: ‘I know what you mean. Even my master gets uneasy. I heard some great witch lives there, some old enemy of the Master’s.’

Mark: ‘That figures. Can’t fly ten feet outside of our borders without running into some enemy of the Master. He really needs to work on his people skills.’

Greg: “Maybe work on his Elf skills too so they don’t go around shooting…’

(Bell rings. All begin walking out of room)

Tom: ‘Great. I just got here and now it’s back to work. I wonder what the big emergency is.’

Jill: ‘Really. Sometimes I think things were better when the Master was just a shadow in that forest lair.’

Ben: ‘Those were the days. We sure had a lot more time back then.’

Mark: ‘And fewer metal spikes!’

Jill, Ben& Tom: (laughing) ‘True dat!’

Tom: ‘Well, see you guys later.’

Ben & Jill: ‘Take care.’

Mark: ‘May your wings be filled with speed and your mouths with luxurious meats!’

Greg: (muttering to self) ‘Maybe I can find that damn Elf myself…’

(Exeunt)